Achievable Status

Sometimes I just wanna hug you and say, "it's ok" but it's not.

It never will be so I hope you feel that I feel for you in this silent embrace.
Darker times yet still may come your way.
To harden your soul like solid earth and not manipulative clay.
Now I must laugh; my mind's attempt to rationalize evil leaving a bitter taste.

One wrong for one wrong makes us even. Two wrongs for victory.

Are my thoughts and actions devil led?
Even more bitterness I taste from thoughts in my own head.
Consumed by anger I led a crusade.
Against one who I once longed to have at my side as my head laid.

Push away all doubts and moral thoughts. Plunge into detachment.

I did the deed flawlessly. Everything according to plan.
I couldn't tell if you were truly falling for me but I knew I'd hurt you.
Ignoring the consequences, I began to re-enter darkness.
Consumed by hatred realizing I was never truly that far from this.

And I don't know for sure but I bet you're doing better than me.
Three years later and I'm still not free.
Haunted by the passed moments and all my good and bad deeds.
I really tried to be but I just can't achieve the status of heartless.
Now I'm just off floating in the darkness.

Gripped

I feel like my soul has been drowning in fear for so long.
And there was just no way for me to move on.
Second guessing every thought as it appears.
Constantly worried about if I did this how would it appear.
Needing to keep all my thoughts from my peers.
Just what made me so gripped with fear?

There are so many words and things I wish I had said and done.
These feelings eat away at my heart and turn it into crumbs.
Now there is nothing left to commit to the one.
I can't seem to remember just how this begun. 
I guess all my driving force got burnt up chasing my previous sun.